But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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