So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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