Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
