I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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