I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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