I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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