dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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