White coat. Heels.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
