I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
