he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Operation Purity has been aborted
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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