he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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