fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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