Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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