I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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