I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
