Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
