hotel room ftw
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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