So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
