Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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