No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
