were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
handjob tips. give me some.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
