i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
