Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
