if you like me you must not know who I am
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Randomize
