Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
