On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
