I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
