There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
