so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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