i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
