Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
