Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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