She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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