U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
