We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
