the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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