were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
