it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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