it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
