Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i think my tv is drunk
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
