We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
