I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm bleeding and have questions
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
