Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
