I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
