Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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