who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
