i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
