just tell him i said nine months
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
