UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Is it penis luge time yet?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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