im gay
i know
yea but for you.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You are the jesus of drinking
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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