I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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