i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you didnt know i had herpes?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
