opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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