i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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