I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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