I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
