onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
