Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
