he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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